One in the Chamber

For those that don’t know, I am christian. However, this is actually the first explicitly christian piece I have ever written. Just thought you’d like to know =T

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crumpled figure, wrinkled fabric, tattered soul…
shaking frame, emptied shell, breathing slow…
this wall supports the weight of a head he can’t lift
he can’t shift the weight to get up and seize control…

the room’s spinning like the pencil on a compass
with him at the center, heart skewered by the metal tip
a broken record, brokenhearted, repeating “I didn’t want this”
as if there was someone nearby that was compassionate

one in the chamber, no roulette, he had intention
clicked the hammer, finally… the conclusion, right?
he spent a life running against the worlds rotation
model running man, sprinted hard, but no progression

path of self-destruction, seeking heartbeat stoppage
the wall only seems solid when he beats his head against it
in his self-reflection, broke the mirror, cut his shell
vulnerability sickened his pit, can’t even look at himself

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grasping for an answer, he missed the days when he knew it
when he had life on lock, like he lost the keys to it
heart strung out like a puppet, time to cut the chords
pressed the barrel to his headache, one squeeze and it’s no more

but… no… his finger would not kiss the trigger
as if it refused premarital, it and death did not exchange vows
he dropped the exit, heard it hit the floor and it clattered
as he pressed his knees against his ears, “what now…”

rocking back and forth, a dying turtle flipped over
it’s over, sick of living a life with no worth
screams of helplessness, rage, and bloodied fists
scarred wrists from attempts ditched, depressive fits

life is sand, no matter how much you grasp it tighter
it always spills apart, slips away between your fingers
we all long for some water to keep it together
but most lives are barren, this world is a desert

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so now he wanders, a rat in a maze with no cheese
aimlessly, crossing streets so recklessly
hoping, a car will meet him and end him rapidly
lacks the bravery to live, but too cowardly to leave

or is it the other way around? he leaned against a wall
stiff like a coffin, fiddled a cross necklace
that dangled around his neck, a self-pity violinist
some kid rolled up and asked him if he was Christian

he smirked and said no, that he had no intention of being
oh the necklace? just something he picked off the streets
the kid smiled said “maybe He wanted you to find it”
“well if you’re god knows all, he could’ve shipped it to my address”

he made to leave, the kid was leaving in the same direction
so they talked a bit, he made light of the conversation
persistent child, insistent that there’s God that cares
he rolled his eyes, “and that’s why you’re in a wheelchair?”

he asked when she’d get out of it, she said never
she smiled, they parted ways, he left bothered
he had so much more, but she had something he was missing
touched the cross, felt something engraved… John 7:38