so i entered a weekly writing competition at RM.. I competed alot in AR, but this is my first time competing in RM, so no one there really knows of me… anyways, last week i was projected to lose, because i was matched up against someone pretty good, but i won. so with a 1-0 record, i find myself ranked #4 in the league and now i’m up against someone REALLY good… and this is going to be for championship contention, meaning if i win i go up against the champ, who’s held it down for a number of weeks now (if he doesn’t lose this week, that is).

anyways, here’s my verse for last week. the topic was “destroy to rebuild” so i put a spin on it and made it about an unwillingness to destroy preventing a something from being rebuilt. and no, it’s not a true story haha

Long Distant Relative

This is to a woman that birthed me…

So where’s the bottleneck that’s clogging our relationship?
We could point appendages or bandage it ‘til the adhesive slips
And reveal this festering torment that’s inside of each of us
Then we’ll have to amputate each other out of all of us…

Because you’re not willing to admit that you’re the problem
You say it’s all inside my head like you entered into saintdom
Well… I’ve engrained all you did on my brain with a dead Sharpie
You wonder why the distance? It’s my defense for your treachery

Remember when you dragged me across the carpeting by my ankles?
And beat me until I bled, all because I hesitated to hug you?
I was eight, that’s your mistake, how dare you act like it didn’t happen
You tried to tell me I remembered it wrong, but these scars have perfect vision

You’re unwilling to take the fall, so we fall far from unconditionally
Rapidly spiraling, oxygen gasping, love drowning, straw grasping
Forget it – ‘cause its rocket science when we interact
Hard to understand, whose fork in hand, sent us on our parting paths

Remember when I’d play guitar with tennis rackets and you would sing along?
When you’d bring me all these toys ‘til there was no space to place them on?
I was one, I was your son, now that image is shattered in its frame
You try to talk of changes… but you estranged us…

[years later]
It’s been years since I’ve seen you, it’s so hard come to terms…
That something inside me yearns to see this separation burn…

Is it too late for us?… The pursuit too dangerous?…
This isn’t what was dreamed of us, two strangers that blood lineage cuffed
These glimpses of better days, they resuscitate me persistently
While hourglasses choke to death on grains, slow and peacefully

You want to make amends… and I’m open to some mending…
But you need to admit your actions and my pride could use some swallowing
Maybe it wasn’t your fault entirely, I wasn’t the easiest kid to raise
Afraid of being a bad mother, constantly demonized by me

What we need is vulnerability, deconstruction of these walls
Israelites encircling, drowning out our fights with trumpet calls
But after all these years, to admit that I made contributions…
To this wreckage… I can’t salvage… my pride from that confession…

So I guess we’ll live our lives threading the needles of our securities…
I can’t give up the one thing I have for a chance at what we wish we’d been…

took a break from studying… to dig this out and quickly redo it. it’s something i wrote about two years ago (i think)..and unless i redid once before and forgot, it wasn’t how i remembered it being… but anyways, hastily redone. and i think it’s kinda fitting seeing as it was mothers day about 4 hours ago. going to go back later and make it better though… when i dont have midterms..

Opportunity

The crumpled figurine, sifts through her bag for the keys
Steps lightly, eyes scanning every shadow and alley
Hugged tightly by the darkness, hair on end
Pleading her to stop, but her will won’t bend

And every single day the same thoughts come back
The product of a life of gumdrops concealing thumbtacks
Stops in front of her house - keys in hand, she could hear her children laugh
Through the same door where her burdens rest on placemats

It’s easy to feed herself, but a family is tough
There’s never enough, she has a husband but he’s mentally lost touch
It cost him his job, a beating heart cadaver
And for her, gray hairs, gray life, a bleak future

She breathed a sigh, closed her eyes for another world
Used to be a gem, now she’s an oyster without its pearl
Don’t think she can keep the pace for another day
So she’s frozen by her choices like an image in a picture frame

Gotta wash everything, from the dishes to the father
Just a shell of his old self, the insides are all hollow…
Can’t even keep his balance in the shower
So he sits on a chair as she runs the water

This life’s a far cry from what she dreamed it’d be
So she cries for distances that bridge her heart to her feet
It’d be easier to leave, she flirts with that reality
But it’s a short lived adultery, she slides in the key

In this way, every night she decides her life
But her kids take for granted that she’s there in their lives
They pick fights, pull hairs, find faults, and lose voice
Remember… love may be unconditional, but it’s also a choice

i dont feel like studying. i just want to write..

I watched you give away every flake of your heart of gold
Like watching the petals fall and mark a dying rose
They flitter to the ground like an airplane spiraling
Scraping against thorns engraving love letter apologies

We both know, God don’t make life easy, He makes it possible
Grit your teeth, dig in your nails, climb the obstacles
Cause though right now, we pull our hair out like grenade pins
There’s more to life than just waiting for the explosion

You were built to care, through the dark you shine for everyone
So scarred by the past, but you fake that smile for anyone
Too scared to cut the lights, but too brave to hide and run
You froze your tears with your heart and loaded them into a gun

That you hide in the shadows of the glow you emit
Bawl and throw fits under the cover of blankets
It hurts to know the truth, behind your shadow puppetry
Everyone will want an encore of the lies that you’re marketing…

Sometimes I wish the wind would carry you off the cliff you stand by
And smother you in the waters that wave greetings of goodbye
Just so you wouldn’t have to live the way you do
You’ll burn out for the sake of others and forsake you…

i’ve been neglecting this tumblr D=

i should be sleeping… i’m sad i’ve been missing so much Epic lately… i can’t believe it’s been four years since i was a pcw hostee. i can’t believe how much has changed since then. i’m hungry. very hungry. i’m tempted to make kimchi jjigae, but it’s almost 2:30am..

i think this is why i dont blog often..

GOODNIGHT!

One in the Chamber

For those that don’t know, I am christian. However, this is actually the first explicitly christian piece I have ever written. Just thought you’d like to know =T

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crumpled figure, wrinkled fabric, tattered soul…
shaking frame, emptied shell, breathing slow…
this wall supports the weight of a head he can’t lift
he can’t shift the weight to get up and seize control…

the room’s spinning like the pencil on a compass
with him at the center, heart skewered by the metal tip
a broken record, brokenhearted, repeating “I didn’t want this”
as if there was someone nearby that was compassionate

one in the chamber, no roulette, he had intention
clicked the hammer, finally… the conclusion, right?
he spent a life running against the worlds rotation
model running man, sprinted hard, but no progression

path of self-destruction, seeking heartbeat stoppage
the wall only seems solid when he beats his head against it
in his self-reflection, broke the mirror, cut his shell
vulnerability sickened his pit, can’t even look at himself

[]

grasping for an answer, he missed the days when he knew it
when he had life on lock, like he lost the keys to it
heart strung out like a puppet, time to cut the chords
pressed the barrel to his headache, one squeeze and it’s no more

but… no… his finger would not kiss the trigger
as if it refused premarital, it and death did not exchange vows
he dropped the exit, heard it hit the floor and it clattered
as he pressed his knees against his ears, “what now…”

rocking back and forth, a dying turtle flipped over
it’s over, sick of living a life with no worth
screams of helplessness, rage, and bloodied fists
scarred wrists from attempts ditched, depressive fits

life is sand, no matter how much you grasp it tighter
it always spills apart, slips away between your fingers
we all long for some water to keep it together
but most lives are barren, this world is a desert

[]

so now he wanders, a rat in a maze with no cheese
aimlessly, crossing streets so recklessly
hoping, a car will meet him and end him rapidly
lacks the bravery to live, but too cowardly to leave

or is it the other way around? he leaned against a wall
stiff like a coffin, fiddled a cross necklace
that dangled around his neck, a self-pity violinist
some kid rolled up and asked him if he was Christian

he smirked and said no, that he had no intention of being
oh the necklace? just something he picked off the streets
the kid smiled said “maybe He wanted you to find it”
“well if you’re god knows all, he could’ve shipped it to my address”

he made to leave, the kid was leaving in the same direction
so they talked a bit, he made light of the conversation
persistent child, insistent that there’s God that cares
he rolled his eyes, “and that’s why you’re in a wheelchair?”

he asked when she’d get out of it, she said never
she smiled, they parted ways, he left bothered
he had so much more, but she had something he was missing
touched the cross, felt something engraved… John 7:38